A quick overview of my life would show you a woman who was always at least a little overweight, usually a lot insecure, and seeking to live a healthier life or at least to lose weight. I am the woman who could maintain her weight through exercise and I will admit that I am one of "those people" who actually likes to exercise! I could hide my problem by being only a little overweight. The problems started to escalate after I had my first child and still worked full time as a nurse. I didn't make exercise, or me, a priority. Having a husband that worked away from home often added to the challenge of trying to exercise. After several years of making excuses and gaining more weight I finally got disciplined enough to start doing something about it. I lost 70 lbs and then tore my leg muscle and my meniscus and couldn't exercise any longer. That gave me yet another excuse to not truly change what I was doing. I maintained a 30 lb loss but the rest of the weight crept back up. My new excuse for being overweight was that I wasn't able to exercise.
Twice I went back on my eating plan and lost weight for several months but the outside changes weren't accompanied by inside changes. Eventually I'd break and let my selfish heart take over in its lust for food once again.
The past 3 years I started truly seeking God and letting Him heal my wounded heart. Throughout a variety of ways God slowly but surely chipped away at the callouses surrounding my tender heart and started leading me to a place of trusting Him more fully. In June of 2013 at a worship conference God gave me several small things to prepare me for the larger changes that were coming. He gave me a message to "rest in Him". That I was "watered by God". Words of prophecy were spoken over me that I was doing things for God but it wasn't necessarily what He wanted. That I was busy working for Him - but on my own. Those words were directly from God since only He and I knew the truth of the condition of my heart.
The summer and fall of 2013 were full of unsettling changes but also growth & rest. God has gotten me to "unclench my fists" and release things that I had been tightly holding to. I've faced church changes, our pastor leaving, most of my familiar "church places" have been removed. At a women's conference in November 2013 God gave me the word "Determination". So cool that it is our M2C word for the week! God told me "don't go back" and that night marked the day that I put my past behind me and was healed. My stress eating became my past. Our pain can become our identity and it's hard to let that go but when we do there is a sweet peace that floods over us.
Finally God had me to a place where He could give me a breakthrough that would lead to a yielded and changed, fully surrendered heart to Him. A church we are attending started January with a "21 days of fasting and prayer". God really gave me a conviction that I need to fast from soda during that time. It had, in recent months, become my drug of choice. I went from drinking one a week to drinking one several days a week. I entered into it willing to fully yield to God in this area for the 21 days. I fully intended to pop the tab on an icy cold can of sweet goodness on the 22nd day of the month. I committed to daily journaling and seeking God. I asked myself the really hard questions that require the painful honest answers. During this time God gave me new insights daily. My prayers to have a new insight and a soft and willing heart were answered. Several days into it I started thinking that I could go without soda for a longer period if God asked that of me, maybe even the entire month.
One day I was headed to meet a friend for lunch. During that time I was praying and thinking about the fact that I always thought that overcoming my food addiction would be an ongoing huge struggle. God gently nudged me to realize that it doesn't have to be that way. God is in the business of making our sin forgiven and redeemed and renewed. I won't always have a huge struggle because I have a "huge-er" God! I am ready for this to be the year that I lay it down and walk away from food addiction. Within minutes of this startling revelation I suddenly had the thought "what if God wants me to give up Pepsi entirely?" I went into a momentary panic at the thought and was hit with a sinking realization that if I was that panicked over the thought than I had a more serious problem than I realized. I submitted to God and told Him that I am willing to give it up entirely. That was the moment when I finally saw that my inside behavior and excuses had to change first and then I could make the outside changes of healthy eating and exercise permanent. The moment I had yearned for when I read others stories was finally becoming MY story.
My Sweet Place of Breakthrough hasn't been a day, or a moment, but rather several months and even years in the making. I suspect that my stubborn nature might have something to do with it. My need to feel like I am in control (which is silly when I think about it. What could I possibly do better than God The Maker of the Universe?) My well crafted excuses were hard to abandon.
If you are still searching for your breakthrough than I pray that you will look for all of the ways God is preparing you. Hold on friend! He has a plan that is so much bigger than you ever dreamed. Your breakthrough will happen in an unexpected way but if you are seeking Him and truly ready to let go of your excuses and your hurts than it will happen. Journal the messages that He is giving you along the way. Make yourself, and dealing with your stubborn heart, a priority in your life. Pray for the small spark of hope to ignite in your heart. When you feel that spark pray for God to fan it into a flame for Him and His glory.
