Finally I get it! Intentional Sacrifice

The blog topic poses the question what will "intentional sacrifice" look like for you after this study and do I believe that is possible. I could just end this blog right now with a resounding "Yes, I know it's possible and it will look like finally listening to God".

This wouldn't have always been my answer. I had gotten so discouraged that I put away my "Weight Watcher key chain" that marked weight loss milestones. I deleted or destroyed any record of past weight loss because it was too depressing to realize I had lost 70 lbs, gained back 40, lost that 40 and gained back 35. I could only maintain the lifestyle changes for so long before something would send me back to the cycle of overindulging.
                                                                

God prepared my heart for months to be fertile soil to accept the seeds that He was planting in me. He grew those seeds into plants that began to sink their roots into the soil of His word and truth. When the statement was made on the MTC blog "I believe this time will be different" I grabbed hold of that truth and made it my own. This time IS different because

I am different

My first small act of intentional sacrifice began with being willing to give up soda. That step has led to 2 months of making one wise choice after another. I no longer have it tucked in the back of my mind "once I lose this weight I can go back to eating like I used to". I no longer believe that I can have my metabolism of 30 yrs ago back. I cannot eat whatever I want and maintain by exercising. I no longer feel deprived. I no longer feel worthless and unloved. I no longer feel that food will sustain me, numb me or comfort me. Although this is the 3rd time that I have joined the MTC OBS community I feel like it is the first time that I have been listening! It's definitely the first time that I've been yielded to God. 
I was made for more than being stuck in a cycle of shame and hiding. God has brought words of worth, love and gentleness into my life.

My "how to" is by making a plan the night before. I have it mapped out exactly what I will eat for the next day. As I eat it, I check mark it off. If something comes up that I desperately want I simply tell myself that I can put it on my plan for the next day. So far I've only done that once and thoroughly enjoyed not "sneaking" what I was eating. I measure the things I need to measure. I am actually tracking my vitamin, fruit/veg intake and the things that I know will make me successful.

My favorite God moment this past week was the "Cookie Morning". My son made some of his awesome chocolate chip cookies. I had one the day that he made them. The next morning when I entered the kitchen my thoughts immediately began lusting for a cookie. I debated with myself and prayed and finally ended up tweaking my daily plan to include that cookie. As I got ready to open the container I was still wrestling with "is this okay, God?" and I prayed "if it's not okay for me to eat a cookie just let there be 2 left that I will save for the boys". I opened the lid and.. you guessed it... 2 cookies! God even cares about my silly cookie!
                                                                        

I am loved and created by a living God who cares about me so much that He doesn't want to leave me stuck feeling like a failure, of listening to the deceitful words of satan "you'll never lose the weight, give up", or of feeling an empty space that only He can fill.
I had a good laugh over Judges 18:24 this week. Michah is asked why he called his men to fight and he replies "You took the gods I made". He was concerned about the loss of gods that couldn't protect themselves.He didn't serve a living God.
I can say with confidence "no one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame" Psalm 25:3
I am redeemed. I am loved.

                                                                

Emotional Triggers Rerouted

My head pounds and my anxiety builds as the phone rings and I wait for an answer. I don't want to have to confront the situation. A million scenarios of how to handle this are already crossing my mind. It's even worse that it's one of my kids. He didn't deserve to have this adult get in his face. I'm frustrated with people and wishing that they could act more Christlike. When I get up the next morning the situation is still looming as the largest thing in my mind. My attention is focused on the "what if's" and how to handle it. When I realize that I'm falling into the old patterns of obsessing over a situation and mindless eating rather than deal with it I fall to God.

"God, my heart is sad and overwhelmed. I want to turn to you for comfort instead of food, friends, or shopping. I need you. I need to be filled with the hope and assurance of you. I want to trust your good plan for our lives. Help me to release our family into your hands. Help me to trust your good plan for our lives. Help me to feel your peace and assurance that you have my child in your hand. Help him to see that it's not you letting him down but people. Protect him. Cover him with your love and fill him up with you. Help me to trust and turn to you for comfort instead of food".

                                                                     

                                                                
As I desperately seek God in the situation flashes of past hurts replay in my memory. Hurtful words hurled at me when I was 16. While in my 20's feeling alone in a crowd at my church but hiding behind a mask that pretended otherwise. Wondering why middle age women are so mean to each other?

All of those situations led to the familiar stomach churning obsessing over the situation, replaying it in my mind endless times. Feeling unloved. Feeling hurt. Feeling offended or overwhelmed. Wondering why people act the way that they do. Turning my marshmallow heart to food and mindless eating rather than the the lover of my soul.

                                                                       
In the beauty of a life yielded to God I share a prayer request with my Online Bible Study small group. "Please pray that I don't stress eat. Pray for protection for my child from words that wound" Prayers begin to cover me. My brain tells me "you should eat" but my body has no cravings for anything sweet and instead I don't want to eat. The situation is still unresolved. My mind is still drawn to it more frequently than I would like but my heart is turning to God each and every time. Amazing, thought provoking words are said to me "It's the heart that matters most. Pray that God captures them!". Although they are directed at the situation Jesus turns those words into a mother's prayer. For myself. "God, capture my heart so thoroughly that nothing matters more than you". For my child "Capture his heart and  help him find the direction you want him to take. Speak truth into his life".

The emotional trigger has been rerouted to lay these feelings at the feet of Jesus and rest there.

God, continue to capture my heart so thoroughly that I trust you with all aspect of my life. Capture my heart so thoroughly that nothing matters more than you".
                                                                       

A Guest At Pity Party Central

So I'd like to be honest and say that I have never been a guest at Pity Party Central. Or I could lie and say that I haven't wallowed there in a long time. I could even deny the times I've said I didn't feel deprived but I did. The plain truth is that Ive been a more frequent guest at the Pity Party than living empowered in God's strength. I have tried to convince myself that the lies I told myself were true. I've said "just one more won't matter". I've believed the whispers of satan that I have sunk so far I should just give up. I have joked that I couldn't hear God's voice over the rustle of the candy bar wrapper. A few months ago God quietly whispered into my heart "I am bigger than anything you are facing. You have no strength but if you are willing to take a small step of obedience I will show you how to live in my strength.
                        

Recently my husband went with me to the grocery store. On a Saturday. At noon. The Deli counter is packed, fried oil smells wafting through the store. We headed down the "healthy" produce aisle and I am lured by the donuts in the glass counter. The donuts decorated with the lovely fluffy frosting and the array of dazzling sprinkles. Who puts donuts across from the produce for crying out loud!? Don't they KNOW that is a temptation. Well, yes... they're hoping I'll buy one... or a dozen. I'm avoiding making direct eye contact with all of the lovely treats in the store when all of the sudden I notice a Snickers bar nestled between my fat free milk and broccoli.
I give him the "wife stare". I ask him "is that on your diet?" (Hey, if I'm eating healthy I love him enough to help him too, right?) He says "no". I'm thinking to myself surely he will put it back? I desperately want to add another to it, maybe one of those giant bars! He doesn't put it back.
We check out and the instant we get in the truck he unwraps it.  Doesn't he know how difficult this is for me? I'm feeling resentful and a little ticked off. Then I switch to the virtuous thought of "at least I will be eating healthy!" I mean, REALLY, can't he wait to eat it? or offer me a bite? He takes a few bites and suddenly God reminds me of two things.
I was made for more. I'm not that girl anymore.

                                                                 

In that moment all of the jealousy, resentment, self pride and lust for the food melted away. God's peace flooded over me. The feelings of being deprived were replaced by feelings of worth. I am God's creation. I was made for more. Being on God's "guest list" is far better adventure than a guest at pity party central!

God, who gets invited

to dinner at your place?

How do we get on your guest list?

Psalm 15:1 The Message 

                                                                       

Delighting in Obedience ????? Yes, really!

When it comes to the topic "Delighting in Obedience"  I'll be brutally honest with you. In the not so distant past I wouldn't have combined "delighting" with "obedience" in the area of my eating. I delighted in huge spoonfuls of chocolate chip cookie dough. I delighted in 1/2 a pan of warm brownies. I delighted in handfuls of peanut M & M's. Don't get me wrong there are many areas of my life that I delight in being obedient to the Lord but my eating wasn't one of them! Perhaps that is why my food choices wounded my heart so deeply. I desired obedience but wasn't being obedient.

The first thing that I noticed when I gave God control of my eating was the peace that flooded me. I no longer have a war within. The war that "selfish me" waged against the me who wanted to live for God. That war was a cycle of deprivation, binge, insecurity, defeat, guilt, and shame. The shame of being out of control and knowing that I was made for more but not believing it enough to really trust God to change me from the inside out.
                                                                     

We are accustomed to measuring our success by particular things. We enjoy the tangible rewards but I think that what we are secretly hoping for is affirmation and to hear "well done". It's far too easy to let the number on the scale define us. It almost becomes a game each week when we are faithfully following our healthy eating plan. I have twice been within 15-20 lbs of my goal weight (losing up to 70 lbs to get there) only to have the scale not move for several weeks and my motivation disappears like the cookie dough from the bowl. My "obedience" was only to follow the plan until I lost the weight but without a deeper purpose it didn't last. When the number on the scale hit that plateau my "healthy lifestyle" deteriorated and left. The number on the scale became my defining voice. It spoke words like "Fat, Failure, Futile".  The defining voice I now seek is the One which will say "well done, good and faithful servant".

                                                                     
These days I measure my obedience by "Did I make healthy choices today"? "Was I obedient to what God was telling me:?  "Am I using what He is teaching me for His glory"?  I am building a firm foundation. Each day, every choice that I am yielded to Him, and obedient to what He tells me, my peace and self worth grow. The cycle of guilt, sneakiness, defeat, shame and giving up has gone. In its place I am growing closer to Him and listening to what He is telling me in all areas not just those that I "choose" to be obedient in. This time when I hit that particular number on the scale I have a firm foundation of trust in what He has brought me through this far. I believe His voice that I am "Beautiful, Blessed, Beloved."
                                                                       

If you haven't done so yet make it your hearts' greatest desire to truly be obedient to God for the long haul. Not just to lose the weight and then go back to the way that you were living. A good friend always says "Nothing changes if nothing changes". Words that have proven to be true over and over. Seek the closeness of God and an increased desire to be obedient in all areas. Change from the inside out. Then watch your beautiful heart blossom and change before your eyes. Watch your obedience become a delight!

There's a saying "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels". I can't speak to that since I don't have the experience of the "thin" yet. What I can speak to is that "Nothing tastes as good as resting peacefully in the Lord feels". I leave you with this prayer.
                                                                       

"God I want to be obedient to you and what you want for me. I don't want this to be about food but about my relationship with you. I want more of you when I'm tired, when I'm frustrated, when I'm bored or lonely or hurt or upset or any other reason I overindulge in anything. I want to turn to you first in every situation. Flood my unsatisfied, empty dry places with you and with your love. Give me self worth in you. I am beautiful to you. You made me special, loved and worthy. Wrap your arms around me and surround me with  your peace and your love. Amen"

1 Peter 1:13-16 MSG So roll up your sleeves, put your mind in gear, be totally ready to receive the gift that’s coming when Jesus arrives. Don’t lazily slip back into those old grooves of evil, doing just what you feel like doing. You didn’t know any better then; you do now. As obedient children, let yourselves be pulled into a way of life shaped by God’s life, a life energetic and blazing with holiness. God said, “I am holy; you be holy.”

Sweet Place of Breakthrough

Sweet place of Breakthrough. Oh how I wish that I could sprinkle "breakthrough pixie dust" all over you and have you experience the hope that happens when God gives you a breakthrough! I can promise you that if you persevere and if you continue to ask God to truly give you heart changes it will happen. It doesn't happen overnight, or at least it hasn't happened that way for me. My heart needed some serious mending and it has been a long journey to get here. I'll be the first to say that I "haven't arrived" but this time is different !

                                                                       

A quick overview of my life would show you a woman who was always at least a little overweight, usually a lot insecure, and seeking to live a healthier life or at least to lose weight. I am the woman who could maintain her weight through exercise and I will admit that I am one of "those people" who actually likes to exercise! I could hide my problem by being only a little overweight. The problems started to escalate after I had my first child and still worked full time as a nurse. I didn't make exercise, or me, a priority. Having a husband that worked away from home often added to the challenge of trying to exercise. After several years of making excuses and gaining more weight I finally got disciplined enough to start doing something about it. I lost 70 lbs and then tore my leg muscle and my meniscus and couldn't exercise any longer. That gave me yet another excuse to not truly change what I was doing. I maintained a 30 lb loss but the rest of the weight crept back up. My new excuse for being overweight was that I wasn't able to exercise.
Twice I went back on my eating plan and lost weight for several months but the outside changes weren't accompanied by inside changes. Eventually I'd break and let my selfish heart take over in its lust for food once again.

The past 3 years I started truly seeking God and letting Him heal my wounded heart. Throughout a variety of ways God slowly but surely chipped away at the callouses surrounding my tender heart and started leading me to a place of trusting Him more fully. In June of 2013 at a worship conference God gave me several small things to prepare me for the larger changes that were coming. He gave me a message to "rest in Him". That I was "watered by God". Words of prophecy were spoken over me that I was doing things for God but it wasn't necessarily what He wanted. That I was busy working for Him - but on my own. Those words were directly from God since only He and I knew the truth of the condition of my heart.

The summer and fall of 2013 were full of unsettling changes but also growth & rest. God has gotten me to "unclench my fists" and release things that I had been tightly holding to. I've faced church changes, our pastor leaving, most of my familiar "church places" have been removed. At a women's conference in November 2013 God gave me the word "Determination". So cool that it is our M2C word for the week! God told me "don't go back" and that night marked the day that I put my past behind me and was healed. My stress eating became my past. Our pain can become our identity and it's hard to let that go but when we do there is a sweet peace that floods over us.

Finally God had me to a place where He could give me a breakthrough that would lead to a yielded and changed, fully surrendered heart to Him. A church we are attending started January with a "21 days of fasting and prayer". God really gave me a conviction that I need to fast from soda during that time. It had, in recent months,  become my drug of choice. I went from drinking one a week to drinking one several days a week. I entered into it willing to fully yield to God in this area for the 21 days. I fully intended to pop the tab on an icy cold can of sweet goodness on the 22nd day of the month. I committed to daily journaling and seeking God. I asked myself the really hard questions that require the painful honest answers. During this time God gave me new insights daily. My prayers to have a new insight and a soft and willing heart were answered. Several days into it I started thinking that I could go without soda for a longer period if God asked that of me, maybe even the entire month.

One day I was headed to meet a friend for lunch. During that time I was praying and thinking about the fact that I always thought that overcoming my food addiction would be an ongoing huge struggle. God gently nudged me to realize that it doesn't have to be that way. God is in the business of making our sin forgiven and redeemed and renewed. I won't always have a huge struggle because I have a "huge-er" God! I am ready for this to be the year that I lay it down and walk away from food addiction. Within minutes of this startling revelation I suddenly had the thought "what if God wants me to give up Pepsi entirely?" I went into a momentary panic at the thought and was hit with a sinking realization that if I was that panicked over the thought than I had a more serious problem than I realized. I submitted to God and told Him that I am willing to give it up entirely. That was the moment when I finally saw that my inside behavior and excuses had to change first and then I could make the outside changes of healthy eating and exercise permanent. The moment I had yearned for when I read others stories was finally becoming MY story.

My Sweet Place of Breakthrough hasn't been a day, or a moment, but rather several months and even years in the making. I suspect that my stubborn nature might have something to do with it. My need to feel like I am in control (which is silly when I think about it. What could I possibly do better than God The Maker of the Universe?) My well crafted excuses were hard to abandon.

If you are still searching for your breakthrough than I pray that you will look for all of the ways God is preparing you. Hold on friend! He has a plan that is so much bigger than you ever dreamed. Your breakthrough will happen in an unexpected way but if you are seeking Him and truly ready to let go of your excuses and your hurts than it will happen. Journal the messages that He is giving you along the way. Make yourself, and dealing with your stubborn heart, a priority in your life. Pray for the small spark of hope to ignite in your heart. When you feel that spark pray for God to fan it into a flame for Him and His glory.