The Big Picture

Since our return from our Oregon coast vacation I have had a theme rolling around in my head. One morning while we were walking along the beach I was walking with my eyes toward the ground. I was enjoying the sights of the sand, the weird looking seaweed that had washed up, the awesome smooth black rocks that were lining the shore. I was looking for treasures that I don't ordinarily see in my home life. I stopped and took the time to look out on the horizon and something that I had read many years ago when I started homeschooling our children popped into my mind. The author of the article stated that children were losing their ability to focus at a distance since our lives don't include much gazing into the distance anymore. It struck me that I was missing the "Big Picture" of the whole ocean by only staring at the small area beneath my feet.
                                                                              

That thought became a theme that has been rolling around in my brain since. I have missed out on the "Big Picture" in my spiritual life at many times. I have become caught up in the "doing" of so many things. Bible studies, helping at church, community service, attending church. While these are all very great things there are times when they have become the focus rather than looking at the "Big Picture" of what God really wants me to be doing. My relationship with Him is the most important thing. Not the immediate details that sometimes overshadow the total picture of what my relationship with God looks like. 
                                                                             

It is so easy on a weight loss journey to get caught up in the immediate things that are right beside me. I completely plan my food the night before. I have it planned right down to the snack what I will eat.
 I plan out my weekly exercise around my piano teaching schedule, our family activities, my time commitments and the schedule of the household. I have planned which days I will do cardio and which days I will do strength training.  I know that for me to be successful with the changes that I am making in regards to my health and choices I need to have a plan so I don't act on impulse. These are details that I must focus on to stay honest with the changes that I am making.

This was the first week since January that I have truly had more than a momentary struggle. It has been a week full of emotional challenges that in the past would have driven me to try to nurture myself with food. My weight loss has naturally slowed a bit but when I honestly sat down and looked at my food tracker I could see that this week I was pushing my boundaries on a daily basis. It was time to look past the important details right at my feet and look at the "Big Picture" and into the horizon. It was time to admit to a friend that I was struggling. It was time to admit to myself that I was feeling wounded. It was time to work through the emotions that in the past would have had my stuffing food into my face to "nurture" myself.
                                                                                 

 The things that are right at my feet, tracking, planning, exercise, are all important. Even more important is learning healthy life skills to deal with my emotions and how I handle stress. After honestly looking what I was doing and how I was pushing boundaries and headed back towards former habits I made a turn around. I looked at the Big Picture and made the decision to make my next choice a healthy one.

Because I am Loved

As people notice my shrinking body due to my weight loss I am asked "how did you do it?" I know that my friends and acquaintances are looking for a "weight loss method" or a "how to" lose weight. I have successfully lost weight in the past, only to gain half of it back. This time feels different and this time is different. My answer is to first mention that I do workout regularly and I do followed the Weight Watchers Simply Filling nutrition plan but that the real key is that I have finally learned to love myself. I also point out that God is finally getting it through my thick head how much He loves me and that I have worth to Him.                                                      

That said, I am still struggling with learning to accept God's love.

Just yesterday I wrote a prayer pouring out my heart to God that I long to fully experience His love in my life. I asked Him to heal my wounded heart, turn my fears into courage and infuse my heart and mind with his love. To help me to truly believe that He loves me unconditionally. I asked God to write a new label on my heart - not just "courageous" as I turn fear into courage but also to write "Beloved Daughter who is loved" on my heart. I asked Him to help me to stop coloring my future based on my past.

                                                                       

Tonight as I sat curled up with my "Limitless Life" book by Derwin Gray I began reading "From Addict to Free". I am humbled and reminded yet again of God's great grace to me that after spending the past 30+ years with a food addiction that I have experienced freedom and peace. How true the words that "substitute gods (feeding myself) promise freedom but only succeed in enslaving us". For years I have labeled myself with titles of shame, disgust, guilt and self loathing. The first key that Derwin lists to change our label from "Addict to Free" is "Know Who I am".

I am loved.

                                                                 

After writing out my prayer yesterday God showered me with His love. The thing I prayed for was addressed in what I read today.
God loves me so lavishly that he orchestrated the timing of my prayer with the reading of "Limitless Life". That speaks love to me. That shouts it from the rooftops!

I. Am. Loved.

As if that isn't enough, God made sure that I wouldn't doubt it was HIS voice speaking to me. I began reading my "Made to Crave" devotion by Lysa Terkeurst and Day 28 is titled "Because I am Loved".
When I got done sitting in stunned disbelief I could only marvel that the God of the universe wove the threads of my day, my month, my Bible study book, prayer thoughts and devotion to all point to the message that I am loved. The noise lies of the enemy chips away at the security of knowing I am loved but the God who loves me wanted to remind me that

"Even before he made the world, God loved us (me) and chose us (me) in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes". Ephesians 1:4

I am free and live with a heart of peace Because I am Loved.

Beach Blog

This week's blog comes to you from the Oregon Coast. While I wait in the car my guys are out in the torrential downpour of rain playing disc golf. My musings today are on maintaining a healthy lifestyle when you are completely out of your home environment.

                                                                           

I have been planning my food and what I'd do on vacation for the past month yet yesterday while on the road my carefully crafted plan fell apart. My "planned indulgence" turned into an unplanned run in with 3 cookies. My carefully planned "Simply Filling" dinner didn't happen when we stopped to eat out because it was getting late. My goal to lose weight while on vacation might not happen unless I make the whole family crazy and do nothing but think of my next bite. Thinking of food non stop is bad for me.

What I can do on vacation. Put into practice the MTC (Made to Crave) tools that I've learned. Truths that stand out and help me to focus.

"Make my next choice a good one". This morning I started with an apple, oatmeal with flax seed and a banana. My morning attitude and choices set the tone for the day.
                                                                           

 Drink more water. I have my water bottle with me. No excuses.

Move more! Hubby & I had a lovely 3 mile walk on the beach this morning. Okay, the company was lovely. The whipping wind and rain weren't awesome but we had fun regardless!

                                                          

Focus more on family than on food.

                                                                         

Don't get into "vacation mode" and throw months of hard work out the window.

Vacation is a time to renew and refresh myself. Putting myself back into food bondage isn't refreshing whatsoever. Each choice I make. Each food temptation I am victorious over. Each step of obedience to God in this area of my life is my renewing and refreshing.

 I will fully satisfy the needs of those who are weary and fully refresh the souls of those who are faint.
Jeremiah 31:25 NET Bible

Scale ~ Friend or Foe?

So my friend Trish is pretty much my hero. I'm just going to lay that right out here. She also did the Made to Crave study followed by the MTC Action Plan. She has not weighed. She has not stepped on the scale at the beginning of her changed life. She has not stepped on the scale in all of the weeks of changing the inside of herself. The outside IS changing though. She can tell by the fact that her clothes are getting looser and her husband has noticed. She truly is living the thing that we all say but often don't truly mean "my worth is not determined by a number of the scale".

I am happy to tell you that I am not judging my "progress" of a changed life by the scale either. What I am measuring it by is the peace that I finally have. The fact that food no longer has unlimited power over me. The fact that I'm not thinking about food and counting every morsel and planning what I am going to eat next (healthy or not). I do weigh throughout the week. One of the issues that I have had since a teenager growing up on the farm was that I have no portion control built into my eating. The Weight Watchers Simply Filling eating plan that I follow works extremely well for me BUT it is based on eating when you are hungry, stopping when you are full. That is something that I am still learning. The scale is a tool that I can use to help me measure my obedience to God's direction in my life and my correctly interpreting my hunger/full signals.The scale no longer has power to make me feel successful or worthy. It no longer can make me fall to a depth of despair or rise to a euphoric high.

Worried about the number? The scale might not be moving because you are gaining muscle!

Use your scale wisely. If it's a good tool for you, then use it! If it becomes where you are finding your happy than step away from it.

 Certainly it feels good to fit in smaller clothes. It feels good to see the number descending on my weight chart. It feels awesome to have the beginning of muscle instead of just "flabs". It is nice to have markers along the way that help us to see our progress in tangible ways. More importantly it feels amazing to hear God's still small voice guiding me to the apple when I'm thinking about the pop chips. It feels incredible to finally be listening with my heart when God says "I made you. I love you. You are beautiful".

Love yourself. You are worthy. God loves you more than you can ever imagine! You are defined by being a child of God, not by a number on the scale.

The Myth of Magical Success

How many times have I, have we, sought a quick and easy fix to our weight loss problems?
 I have to admit that I have looked for magical success in this area of my life. I once even sunk low enough to buy a "weight loss program" that was achieved through how you BREATHED. (blush)

The Made to Crave Action Plan Online Bible Study recently concluded and today while I was working out, between gasping for breath and sweating wildly, I was pondering my changed attitude. In the past I have successfully lost large amounts of weight only to reach a certain point, get discouraged and quit. When I didn't get the results that I wanted I threw in the towel rather than stay the course.

During the past months I have taken 30 lbs of fat off my  body. I have also shed some foolish ideas such as "once I lose this weight I can go back to eating like I did when I was 20". In the past I have even fallen prey to those thoughts of "I don't want to deprive myself today, I will do it tomorrow" and "I'll wait until after the holiday, the occasion, the end of the year, etc. to begin eating healthy". Once I admitted to myself that there WAS no "going back" my thoughts towards food changed dramatically and I am embracing the new, healthier way of life! I am enjoying what I can eat.

A few weeks ago I became convicted that although I was working out regularly I had fallen into some sloppy habits of just trudging through. Really, how seriously was I working out if I was texting while I was doing it? Although I am, and will always be, a firm believer that consistency of exercise is the key (as in, don't burn yourself out trying to do too much) I definitely was not working hard enough to get the results that I wanted. Part of the MTC Action Plan was exercising in our Target Heart Rate Zone. Can we say "oh. my. heck."? Sweaty. Breathless. Happy. I am working towards the results I want and not just expecting "Magical Success".

At the end of the day I would rather look back and know that I gave it my all rather than be stuck in a rut and wishing for magical success to fall my way! That pretty much holds true with everything in my life. Set your goal. Make it realistic. Then be willing to work hard for what you want!

Joy markers of my path

It all started with an ordinary brown bag, filled with 4 ordinary river rocks. What God did is extraordinary. The retreat I attended was titled "Unstopping the wells that the enemy has stopped up".
When I went I never dreamed of what God was going to do in my life! It had been months in the making but that night I finally opened up my heart to what God was trying to do in my life. We used our rocks to build an "altar" to lay burdens on and give them to God. I knelt praying with tears rolling down my face. By the time I reached the point of going up for prayer I was a sobbing mess. Through my mess, God made beautiful. God spoke words through a woman praying over me and I walked away with "Determination" and "Deliverance" resounding in my heart. When I got home I wrote those words on the rocks from the conference. Those marked a night of being set free. Great joy!
                                                                         
A couple of months later God gave me the word "Victory" to add to my remaining rocks. That was the point in time when he was calling me to fast from soda.
                                                                             

"Determination" marks the jar that has stones in it representing the pounds that I need to lose. "Victory" marks the jar that has the pounds lost, but more importantly the obedience that is happening in my life.
                                                                     

Since that time I have other words that mark occasions and joys. Loved. When I finally started to love myself. "Crave God" as I journeyed through Made to Crave and watched him change my life! "Peace" as I made choices that were in the center of His will. "Friends" to mark the times when life was turning upside down and he sent fellowship, laughter, accountability and Christian women to walk beside me.

As I continue to live more fully in his will I will continue to fill up my Joy Jar with markers of what he is doing in my life.
                                                                      

I have a remaining rock from the conference waiting for the next turning point that He has for me.
I have the feeling it's going to be a big one and I can't WAIT for it!

Polyphenols on a Budget? Absolutely!

Polyphenols on a budget. What in the world are polyphenols you might be asking? In the Made to Crave Action Plan we are learning how to maximize key nutrients.
"Polyphenols are compounds found primarily in plants, especially in naturally ripened, dark-skinned fruits and vegetables. Current research suggests they may play a significant role in promoting health and preventing disease." Quote from "Made to Crave Action Plan" by Lysa Terkeurst & Dr Ski Chilton.

The list is full of VERY yummy Fruits, vegetables, legumes, nuts, seed and additional sources. The downside is that for those of us in a single income home it can get expensive to fill up on the apricots, blackberries, blueberries, cherries, and strawberries that are high in polyphenols. Especially when we live 2 hrs from the nearest Costco or Walmart to buy frozen varieties of them.
                                                                   

My personal challenge this week was to fit as many of these powerful foods as I could into my existing menu. I am using the Weight Watcher Simply Filling method for healthy eating and much to my delight the things that I am learning in MTC Action Plan are things that I have already incorporated into my life.
                                                 
                                                                 

Back to the food... One affordable fruit with high polyphenol levels is apples. We bought a 5 lb bag of apples for $4.99 this week. (A great deal for our area!) Walnuts are on the "seeds with polyphenols" list as are flax seeds. Cinnamon also made the list for additional sources of Polyphenols.
                                                                 
                                                                           

                                                             
Putting these into breakfast with my oatmeal was a perfect way to keep the budget intact and still fill up on some really great nutrients!

                                                           

 You are looking at a bowl of oatmeal with an apple, 1 Tablespoon walnuts, flax seed, cinnamon and nutmeg. I got my morning serving of dairy by adding Fat free milk with it. With the Simply Filling plan I only needed to count points for the tablespoon of walnuts 1 PP and the rest fit exactly into the power foods that I eat daily!

And for a snack later...

Dark Chocolate! Science has proven what we already knew... a little dark chocolate is good for you!
Yes, Dark chocolate is on the polyphenols list. Today's snack for me is a square of Dark Chocolate with Sea Salt.


“You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God. He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat” Matthew 5:6, MSG

She likes to Move it!

This week's MTC Action Plan photo blog is "get moving" which is a subject near and dear to my heart. Although I exercised in my 20's once I had kids, worked full time and was a busy wife and mother I quit regularly exercising. When I started back to exercise in 2005 I thought that I "hated" it. I knew that I had to do something so I decided that although I wasn't changing what I ate I would walk.
 I would at least be "a fat woman with a healthier heart". So I dragged myself out the door. I was right. I hated it. After a few starts and stops eventually I began to walk a 500 step loop outside just 3 days a week. Over a period of months I learned that I actually enjoyed walking outside. We lived in a beautiful remote area. The day that my boys and I walked up a dirt two track road, over a hill and around to another road and home ranked high on my list of "best days of my life"!
                                                               
                                                

At that time I had lost 70 lbs which all started from that 500 steps... I had added in Leslie Sansone walking DVD's for indoor walking. With access to the BLM firefighter gym I was also using the elliptical and stationary bike. I no longer had to carefully tread over the cattle guards in the area but could literally hop over them!
                                                                          

Due to a combination of things I ended up damaging my knee and tearing my leg muscle. That took me on a spiral downward of hopelessness and "giving up". I could not longer walk. I couldn't even bear weight on my leg for a period of years! My recovery was slow, painful and filled with despair. My entire life I have fought weight and only maintained by exercise. At that time I wasn't truly willing to change what I was eating and without exercise I gained back 40 lbs of the lost weight.

Although I had given up on myself, God hadn't ever given up on me though! Through a series of things he kept gradually drawing me back to a desire to have a healthier body. After a move for my husband's job I was able to find help for my knee and 5 years later I am pain free most days! I can walk on it. I can bicycle on it. I can do yoga and stability ball and Leslie Sansone indoor walks and walk up and down stairs!

So, here we are, back to MTC Action Plan and "Get Moving!". I have to admit that my friends that don't want to exercise will sort of avoid me because I can be a bit of a nag in my enthusiasm for them to "Get Moving"! I thought that I would post what has worked for me. I recently hit my 50 lbs loss from my highest weight ever. I'm definitely NOT a small size and I still have weight to lose but God has changed my heart so that I no longer lust after food. Living within His will tastes sweeter than anything else. What I know is that although there are still days that I don't "feel" like exercising I don't ever get done with a workout and say "boy, do I regret working out".

How I motivate myself
I write a plan for the week, looking at my "busy" days and my "free" days and schedule accordingly.
I record my exercise after I've done it so I can look back at where I've come from. I love to write it on the calendar and I also use an app called "Walk Journal"
                                                                         

I know that I do better with variety, AND it's better for me so I schedule in a variety of things such as yoga, walking in varying distances and intensities, weight training and biking when the weather permits.

What I love to do
Use my feet.. I still have to be careful outside, especially on pavement and elevation changes.
                                                             
                                                             

        

Use my feet with Leslie Sansone Walk at Home exercise DVD's....

                                                             

Ride my very sweet Cruiser Bike! (which I won't take down our lane until the mud dries)
                                                                 
                                                                     

Stretchy band and hand weights (used with Leslie DVD's)

                                                                       

...........................................You Can Do Yoga ... yes, It's Leslie Sansone again!

"You Can Do Abs with the stability ball"... you guessed it, Leslie Sansone!
... and "You Can Do Piilates"...

Garden!!

Exercise isn't just going to a gym. An active life can take you far!

My mind will still lie to me and say "You can't possible walk a 5K" but I have!
My mind will lie to me and say "that's too far" or "You're too tired"  but it's not true!
My mind will especially lie to me and say "you don't have time to exercise. You are too big to exercise. This is too hard!" but then the voice of God's truth speaks louder and I am reminded that I am beautiful to Him. My body is His temple. God is with me.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Isaish 43:18-19

... now.. quit reading blogs and GET MOVING! Just start. You can do it my friend!
God is with you on this journey of seeking His best for your life and health.

                                                                 

God's Greater love & My changing Heart

Wow! What a fabulous weekend I had. I can see God changing my heart. I am truly satisfied with healthier foods. I never dreamed that would happen! We went to Spokane for Hubby's birthday which is a scary situation for me. When I've been in healthy eating mode in the past I just tried to avoid any situations that were out of my control. I'm successful when I plan but feel overwhelmed when I'm facing with many decisions that don't "fit" my plan. Oftentimes I've given in to the lie that it's "just on this trip" "This is a special occasion". This time Made to Crave words played in my head. "compromise builds on compromise".
                       
                                                                        

I was blown away seeing God provide so many "healthy outs" for my eating options. For so many years I just haven't felt "worthy". I know God is super busy, right? He's dealing with wars and famines and truly BIG issues why would my food issues be of major importance? I felt guilty and unworthy to have to admit "God, I can't possibly do this on my own". Since yielding my food to Him I have seen his tender loving care in ways I never dreamed of!  I guess I'm just a slow learner because my whole life I've been reading how much God cares for me but I couldn't translate that from words to truly understanding it. God loves me so much that Hubby's first choice to eat at the buffet was discarded when we were in line with at least 25 people ahead of us waiting to pay. God loves me so much that I was able to enjoy some popcorn at the hockey game but then was prompted to hand it over to my husband to keep away from me. God loves me so much that I was able to eat Mongolian Grill and totally stay on my plan. God loves me so much that when I was tempted to eat a fried donut the steamer tray was empty. I can't even begin to imagine how many situations God has provided an escape route for me. Sometimes I took it, others I ignored him.
                                                                        
                                                                      

I am now defining my success not by dropping numbers on the scale, or shrinking inches but by my obedience to God. I am happily content. I'm not ecstatic about losing weight but feel contentment, peace and joy being obedient to God. It's a great place to be.

                                                               

                     

Finally I get it! Intentional Sacrifice

The blog topic poses the question what will "intentional sacrifice" look like for you after this study and do I believe that is possible. I could just end this blog right now with a resounding "Yes, I know it's possible and it will look like finally listening to God".

This wouldn't have always been my answer. I had gotten so discouraged that I put away my "Weight Watcher key chain" that marked weight loss milestones. I deleted or destroyed any record of past weight loss because it was too depressing to realize I had lost 70 lbs, gained back 40, lost that 40 and gained back 35. I could only maintain the lifestyle changes for so long before something would send me back to the cycle of overindulging.
                                                                

God prepared my heart for months to be fertile soil to accept the seeds that He was planting in me. He grew those seeds into plants that began to sink their roots into the soil of His word and truth. When the statement was made on the MTC blog "I believe this time will be different" I grabbed hold of that truth and made it my own. This time IS different because

I am different

My first small act of intentional sacrifice began with being willing to give up soda. That step has led to 2 months of making one wise choice after another. I no longer have it tucked in the back of my mind "once I lose this weight I can go back to eating like I used to". I no longer believe that I can have my metabolism of 30 yrs ago back. I cannot eat whatever I want and maintain by exercising. I no longer feel deprived. I no longer feel worthless and unloved. I no longer feel that food will sustain me, numb me or comfort me. Although this is the 3rd time that I have joined the MTC OBS community I feel like it is the first time that I have been listening! It's definitely the first time that I've been yielded to God. 
I was made for more than being stuck in a cycle of shame and hiding. God has brought words of worth, love and gentleness into my life.

My "how to" is by making a plan the night before. I have it mapped out exactly what I will eat for the next day. As I eat it, I check mark it off. If something comes up that I desperately want I simply tell myself that I can put it on my plan for the next day. So far I've only done that once and thoroughly enjoyed not "sneaking" what I was eating. I measure the things I need to measure. I am actually tracking my vitamin, fruit/veg intake and the things that I know will make me successful.

My favorite God moment this past week was the "Cookie Morning". My son made some of his awesome chocolate chip cookies. I had one the day that he made them. The next morning when I entered the kitchen my thoughts immediately began lusting for a cookie. I debated with myself and prayed and finally ended up tweaking my daily plan to include that cookie. As I got ready to open the container I was still wrestling with "is this okay, God?" and I prayed "if it's not okay for me to eat a cookie just let there be 2 left that I will save for the boys". I opened the lid and.. you guessed it... 2 cookies! God even cares about my silly cookie!
                                                                        

I am loved and created by a living God who cares about me so much that He doesn't want to leave me stuck feeling like a failure, of listening to the deceitful words of satan "you'll never lose the weight, give up", or of feeling an empty space that only He can fill.
I had a good laugh over Judges 18:24 this week. Michah is asked why he called his men to fight and he replies "You took the gods I made". He was concerned about the loss of gods that couldn't protect themselves.He didn't serve a living God.
I can say with confidence "no one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame" Psalm 25:3
I am redeemed. I am loved.

                                                                

Emotional Triggers Rerouted

My head pounds and my anxiety builds as the phone rings and I wait for an answer. I don't want to have to confront the situation. A million scenarios of how to handle this are already crossing my mind. It's even worse that it's one of my kids. He didn't deserve to have this adult get in his face. I'm frustrated with people and wishing that they could act more Christlike. When I get up the next morning the situation is still looming as the largest thing in my mind. My attention is focused on the "what if's" and how to handle it. When I realize that I'm falling into the old patterns of obsessing over a situation and mindless eating rather than deal with it I fall to God.

"God, my heart is sad and overwhelmed. I want to turn to you for comfort instead of food, friends, or shopping. I need you. I need to be filled with the hope and assurance of you. I want to trust your good plan for our lives. Help me to release our family into your hands. Help me to trust your good plan for our lives. Help me to feel your peace and assurance that you have my child in your hand. Help him to see that it's not you letting him down but people. Protect him. Cover him with your love and fill him up with you. Help me to trust and turn to you for comfort instead of food".

                                                                     

                                                                
As I desperately seek God in the situation flashes of past hurts replay in my memory. Hurtful words hurled at me when I was 16. While in my 20's feeling alone in a crowd at my church but hiding behind a mask that pretended otherwise. Wondering why middle age women are so mean to each other?

All of those situations led to the familiar stomach churning obsessing over the situation, replaying it in my mind endless times. Feeling unloved. Feeling hurt. Feeling offended or overwhelmed. Wondering why people act the way that they do. Turning my marshmallow heart to food and mindless eating rather than the the lover of my soul.

                                                                       
In the beauty of a life yielded to God I share a prayer request with my Online Bible Study small group. "Please pray that I don't stress eat. Pray for protection for my child from words that wound" Prayers begin to cover me. My brain tells me "you should eat" but my body has no cravings for anything sweet and instead I don't want to eat. The situation is still unresolved. My mind is still drawn to it more frequently than I would like but my heart is turning to God each and every time. Amazing, thought provoking words are said to me "It's the heart that matters most. Pray that God captures them!". Although they are directed at the situation Jesus turns those words into a mother's prayer. For myself. "God, capture my heart so thoroughly that nothing matters more than you". For my child "Capture his heart and  help him find the direction you want him to take. Speak truth into his life".

The emotional trigger has been rerouted to lay these feelings at the feet of Jesus and rest there.

God, continue to capture my heart so thoroughly that I trust you with all aspect of my life. Capture my heart so thoroughly that nothing matters more than you".
                                                                       

A Guest At Pity Party Central

So I'd like to be honest and say that I have never been a guest at Pity Party Central. Or I could lie and say that I haven't wallowed there in a long time. I could even deny the times I've said I didn't feel deprived but I did. The plain truth is that Ive been a more frequent guest at the Pity Party than living empowered in God's strength. I have tried to convince myself that the lies I told myself were true. I've said "just one more won't matter". I've believed the whispers of satan that I have sunk so far I should just give up. I have joked that I couldn't hear God's voice over the rustle of the candy bar wrapper. A few months ago God quietly whispered into my heart "I am bigger than anything you are facing. You have no strength but if you are willing to take a small step of obedience I will show you how to live in my strength.
                        

Recently my husband went with me to the grocery store. On a Saturday. At noon. The Deli counter is packed, fried oil smells wafting through the store. We headed down the "healthy" produce aisle and I am lured by the donuts in the glass counter. The donuts decorated with the lovely fluffy frosting and the array of dazzling sprinkles. Who puts donuts across from the produce for crying out loud!? Don't they KNOW that is a temptation. Well, yes... they're hoping I'll buy one... or a dozen. I'm avoiding making direct eye contact with all of the lovely treats in the store when all of the sudden I notice a Snickers bar nestled between my fat free milk and broccoli.
I give him the "wife stare". I ask him "is that on your diet?" (Hey, if I'm eating healthy I love him enough to help him too, right?) He says "no". I'm thinking to myself surely he will put it back? I desperately want to add another to it, maybe one of those giant bars! He doesn't put it back.
We check out and the instant we get in the truck he unwraps it.  Doesn't he know how difficult this is for me? I'm feeling resentful and a little ticked off. Then I switch to the virtuous thought of "at least I will be eating healthy!" I mean, REALLY, can't he wait to eat it? or offer me a bite? He takes a few bites and suddenly God reminds me of two things.
I was made for more. I'm not that girl anymore.

                                                                 

In that moment all of the jealousy, resentment, self pride and lust for the food melted away. God's peace flooded over me. The feelings of being deprived were replaced by feelings of worth. I am God's creation. I was made for more. Being on God's "guest list" is far better adventure than a guest at pity party central!

God, who gets invited

to dinner at your place?

How do we get on your guest list?

Psalm 15:1 The Message 

                                                                       

Delighting in Obedience ????? Yes, really!

When it comes to the topic "Delighting in Obedience"  I'll be brutally honest with you. In the not so distant past I wouldn't have combined "delighting" with "obedience" in the area of my eating. I delighted in huge spoonfuls of chocolate chip cookie dough. I delighted in 1/2 a pan of warm brownies. I delighted in handfuls of peanut M & M's. Don't get me wrong there are many areas of my life that I delight in being obedient to the Lord but my eating wasn't one of them! Perhaps that is why my food choices wounded my heart so deeply. I desired obedience but wasn't being obedient.

The first thing that I noticed when I gave God control of my eating was the peace that flooded me. I no longer have a war within. The war that "selfish me" waged against the me who wanted to live for God. That war was a cycle of deprivation, binge, insecurity, defeat, guilt, and shame. The shame of being out of control and knowing that I was made for more but not believing it enough to really trust God to change me from the inside out.
                                                                     

We are accustomed to measuring our success by particular things. We enjoy the tangible rewards but I think that what we are secretly hoping for is affirmation and to hear "well done". It's far too easy to let the number on the scale define us. It almost becomes a game each week when we are faithfully following our healthy eating plan. I have twice been within 15-20 lbs of my goal weight (losing up to 70 lbs to get there) only to have the scale not move for several weeks and my motivation disappears like the cookie dough from the bowl. My "obedience" was only to follow the plan until I lost the weight but without a deeper purpose it didn't last. When the number on the scale hit that plateau my "healthy lifestyle" deteriorated and left. The number on the scale became my defining voice. It spoke words like "Fat, Failure, Futile".  The defining voice I now seek is the One which will say "well done, good and faithful servant".

                                                                     
These days I measure my obedience by "Did I make healthy choices today"? "Was I obedient to what God was telling me:?  "Am I using what He is teaching me for His glory"?  I am building a firm foundation. Each day, every choice that I am yielded to Him, and obedient to what He tells me, my peace and self worth grow. The cycle of guilt, sneakiness, defeat, shame and giving up has gone. In its place I am growing closer to Him and listening to what He is telling me in all areas not just those that I "choose" to be obedient in. This time when I hit that particular number on the scale I have a firm foundation of trust in what He has brought me through this far. I believe His voice that I am "Beautiful, Blessed, Beloved."
                                                                       

If you haven't done so yet make it your hearts' greatest desire to truly be obedient to God for the long haul. Not just to lose the weight and then go back to the way that you were living. A good friend always says "Nothing changes if nothing changes". Words that have proven to be true over and over. Seek the closeness of God and an increased desire to be obedient in all areas. Change from the inside out. Then watch your beautiful heart blossom and change before your eyes. Watch your obedience become a delight!

There's a saying "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels". I can't speak to that since I don't have the experience of the "thin" yet. What I can speak to is that "Nothing tastes as good as resting peacefully in the Lord feels". I leave you with this prayer.
                                                                       

"God I want to be obedient to you and what you want for me. I don't want this to be about food but about my relationship with you. I want more of you when I'm tired, when I'm frustrated, when I'm bored or lonely or hurt or upset or any other reason I overindulge in anything. I want to turn to you first in every situation. Flood my unsatisfied, empty dry places with you and with your love. Give me self worth in you. I am beautiful to you. You made me special, loved and worthy. Wrap your arms around me and surround me with  your peace and your love. Amen"

1 Peter 1:13-16 MSG So roll up your sleeves, put your mind in gear, be totally ready to receive the gift that’s coming when Jesus arrives. Don’t lazily slip back into those old grooves of evil, doing just what you feel like doing. You didn’t know any better then; you do now. As obedient children, let yourselves be pulled into a way of life shaped by God’s life, a life energetic and blazing with holiness. God said, “I am holy; you be holy.”